Recently I have noticed I have picked up on this. I%26039;m not sure how long I have been doing it or anything like that. I don%26039;t like it. I hate the fact I do this to other people with out even realizing it. I never liked the way my dad made me feel and it kills me to think I can/do make other feel like how I did.
How can I change this? Can I change this? I don%26039;t even notice I%26039;m doing it till later for the most part.How Can You Change Behavior That You Learned As A Child?
First, my heart goes out to you. My dad was like that too, except he beat us as well. That can make some long-lasting scars. It can take hard work to re-program ourselves after something like that, and to build a more normal and healthy life, but we can do it.
Yes you definitely can change it. Please read Karen Pryor%26039;s %26quot;Don%26039;t Shoot the Dog.%26quot; It%26039;s about behavior and how it works. You can find it at your library most likely, but Amazon has used copies. After reading it, spend a couple of weeks carefully observing all the behavior around you and analyzing it according to what you learned. Then start trying to modify some of that behavior, just doing %26quot;baby%26quot; exercises at first, and leading up to more challenging things. Doing this is going to make you very mindful of how you relate to others. It will help you reform your style to be much more beneficial for others and for yourself. Oh, there are a lot of great books in your library about how to make and be a friend, too.
Another thing you can do is use affirmations and visualization to change about anything you want about yourself and your life.
Affirmations: http://www.gems4friends.com/affirmations
Visualization: http://ezinearticles.com/?Tips-for-Maste
Good luck and enjoy the process!
How Can You Change Behavior That You Learned As A Child?
The first step in changing your behavior is to become aware that you are doing it. That has now happened and soon you will know that you are about to say something you shouldn%26039;t and stop before you speak. You can change and should because I am sure you have hurt feelings and lost friends with saying unkind things. Isn%26039;t it awful that your dad did this to you. I know you don%26039;t want to be anything like him so I know you will work on this and change yourself into a kind, friendly person. I wish you the best.How Can You Change Behavior That You Learned As A Child?
I wish I could be where you are to give you a long hug. I hope this loooong answer will suffice.
When I turned 18 and left home for good, I intended never to see my parents again because, like you, I didn%26039;t want to be like them. I knew there was a lot wrong in our family, but it still took years for me to realize it was abuse. I had always thought that abuse can only be physical. But years later I realized that it was not normal or right that my parents never once hugged us, or said %26quot;I love to you%26quot; to us. There was no music, no laughter, and no joy in our house, and every word out of my dad%26039;s mouth was a putdown. He wasn%26039;t one of those that bursts into flames then is really apologetic and remorseful....til the next time. My dad had few outbursts. He was just persistent and consistent with condescension.
There was no question or comment that was okay to ask or say. If I asked a question, the answer was always the same. He%26039;d always repeat the question back with an incredulous tone. For instance, if I asked %26quot;would you help me with this math question?%26quot; his response would always be %26quot;Help you with a math question? HELP YOU with a math question!!???%26quot; like it was the stupidest, most annnoying thing he%26039;d ever been asked in his life. And, of course, I never got the help. It was just a way to get us to leave him alone, I suppose. So, we did.
He is still that way to this day. It was hurtful to me to realize that standing by her man was more important to mom than stopping his abuse of us, but she had her own issues, and still doesn%26039;t even realize he%26039;s an abuser. As for mom%26039;s part, she ignored us as if we were%26039;t there. She was just very annoyed by our presence, but acted disinterested. She never asked about my day, and if I told her about it, she%26039;d say nothing, not even nod.
I just quit talking completely at about age 6, which, of course, became a problem later in life when I wanted to talk, but was terrified to do so. People thought I was mute for years. I hid when people came to our house. My older brother and sister started drug, food, and alcohol habits and I started pulling out my hair, til it was all gone when I reached age 10. I gravitated towards dogs and cats because children and other adults saw how weird I was and whispered or made fun of me, but animals were always very happy to see me and be with me.
People talk about how successful mom and dad%26039;s marriage is because they%26039;ve been together for 50+ years. That%26039;s odd since all they%26039;ve done in that time is go insane together. They have only three ways that they respond to each other. Either they%26039;re being abusive and irritated or they%26039;re ignoring each other, or they%26039;re lying to each other. And they have tremendous and dangerous hoarding issues. If that%26039;s our culture%26039;s idea of a successful marriage, I want no part of it.
If you want to stop the cycle, first be very careful about who you are attracted to! I kept finding myself with verbally abusive men. I knew I wasn%26039;t happy with them, so I never married any of them, fortunately.
When I finally came back to visit my parents after more than 10 years, I had gained physical strength and some ability to speak up for myself. But what I believed was verbal strength was only payback. I yelled at my dad when he put me down, and it startled him, but it didn%26039;t cure him.
Nor did it cure me.
It only gave me a false sense of power, and a growing anger, and I was on a path of going through life with a defensive attitude and a chip on my shoulder. For men, that might be an attractive quality to some who confuse it with power, but it%26039;s not usually attractive in women, who are supposed to be kind and nurturing and smiling. So, even though I was nowhere near as bad as my dad, my occasional toughness and sarcasm didn%26039;t go over well with most people.
Getting away from them never really fixes the problem, because as they say, %26quot;wherever you go, there you are.%26quot; It%26039;s like running from yourself, because your parents form who you are, so they are deeply ingrained in you. But, what running away DOES do is get you around people with a different perspective, people who handle life differently, and hopefully, people who have some compassion toward your flaws.
When I really learned to love, I wanted to find out if it was real, so I returned to mom and dad%26039;s home to force myself to be around the two people I%26039;d always thought I could never love - my parents. It only took about 30 minutes of being there before my dad%26039;s first putdown.
Instead of lashing out, or insulting him back, or making a joke, or ignoring him (all things I%26039;d tried before) I said, as calmly as I could, %26quot;Dad, I%26039;ve seen many times how much you hate it when someone puts you down. Has it ever occurred to you that people may put you down because that%26039;s the way you talk to everyone?%26quot;
(this brought silence and uncomfortable squirming from him)
%26quot;Well, I could find ways to insult you, too. But thatHow Can You Change Behavior That You Learned As A Child?
My housemate had to get online in his account so I could paste the rest of my answer. (I didn%26039;t know the limit)
Here it is, with some of it repeated, since I don%26039;t remember where it stopped:
Instead of lashing out, or insulting him back, or making a joke, or ignoring him (all things I%26039;d tried before) I said, as calmly as I could, %26quot;Dad, I%26039;ve seen many times how much you hate it when someone puts you down. Has it ever occurred to you that people may put you down because that%26039;s the way you talk to everyone?%26quot;
(this brought silence and uncomfortable squirming from him)
%26quot;Well, I could find ways to insult you, too. But that would be all about payback, and I don%26039;t want that anymore. What I want is for you to recognize that you verbally beat your children to a pulp when we were young enough to be unable to stop you. You successfully destroyed our self-esteem....but while I was away, I got mine back. And you no longer have my permission or the ability to take it away.
So, you have a choice, Dad. You can treat me with the respect that you want, and that I deserve as much as you, or you can spend the rest of your life being abusive and trying to convince everyone that they%26039;re inferior to you. But, really, how successful have you been with that? I%26039;m not convinced. Do you know ANYone who is? I doubt you%26039;ve even convinced yourself or you wouldn%26039;t have to keep at it.
(he started to leave the room so I went over to him to grab his hand and held it in mine)
I know you can%26039;t stop right away, but if you don%26039;t at least make an efffort to stop, I%26039;ll walk out your door, and neither one of you will ever see or hear from me again.
If your relationship with your children means nothing to you, and you%26039;re fine with seeing me go, then so be it. It would be a huge disappointment, but not a big surprise. And I%26quot;ll be fine....because I%26039;ll be leaving the abuse behind with you.%26quot;
My dad is over 80. I wish I%26039;d said those things decades ago. I hope you don%26039;t wait. It does work, and it makes you calmer and more aware of your own tendency towards verbal abuse.
No comments:
Post a Comment