I'm 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don't know how to start?

I'm an angry, impatient, easily anxious person. I hate myself in that sense. I grew up with an angry father and a mother who did nothing about it. Obviously it has turned me into what I despise. I now carry over the same anger into my own life and I hate it but don't know HOW to change it. You hear over and over again that adults rarely change their personality or way of thinking. I feel really depressed thinking about that because I don't want to end up with heart disease or high blood pressure or worse - divorced or kids who are like this too. So how do people work on changing bad behavior? I am thoughtful, caring as well....its just that when I get stressed out I don't react like normal, instead I blow up which I know is NOT good. I don't have money to see a therapist right now...my copay is $50 a VISIT. What can I do????I%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
This sounds so familiar it's almost scary...I'm 30 and also grew up in a similar environment and as a result ended up w/ the exact same issues as an adult. And I asked myself over and over again throughout my 20's HOW I could change. I kept reading all these self-help books and asking other people for advice and it's not that I wasn't sure %26quot;how%26quot; to change so much as how to %26quot;apply%26quot; what I already knew into my daily life. Because I, like you, for the most part am a warm hearted, caring person but when something set me off I wouldn't care what I said or how it made the other person feel...I was just hell bent on speaking my mind, and if that meant screaming at the top of my lungs so be it!

I said for many years that I refused to go to therapy because I figured I was ok to analyze myself and I already knew the problem existed so what did I need a therapist for?? Well I ended up going for a short time, and if nothing else at least I got an outside opinion of why I was acting a certain way and she did help me to uncover things in my past that I wouldn't have thought of on my own most likely. Also she referred me to several books that talked about stress and anger. One thing that helped was to recognize the physical signs you feel when you're angry...for example your muscles may tense, you may feel your heart beat speed up, etc...once you're able to recognize this you can quickly walk away before you explode. I do find it helped me to walk away ASAP even if it meant locking myself in the bathroom or going for a ride in the car for just 15 minutes! You'd be surprised how theraputic this is just to get away and clear your head for a few minutes and view the situation more objectively. Usually when I do this, I come back, and find that whatever was bothering me usually isn't important enough for me to get all worked up over. And if I still feel it's important at least I'm calm enough by then to discuss it in a more rational way w/out freaking out on someone. So yes, I do believe it's possible for people to change no matter what age you are. It's all about your perspective...you have to ask yourself everytime you lash out....%26quot;Is this worth dying for?%26quot; because most likely 99.9 percent of the time your answer will be NO.I%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
don't be soooo depressed of yourself ! you are just convincing yourself that everyone else's life is better than yours, when trust me it isn't.I%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
well changing your personality is not something you can change overnight. its a process and a daily struggle. im glad you see the need to change these toxic traits. i had to make this change as well for myself. if you truly want to change you can. you need to be able to control yourself and make it work. set goals for yourself when u successfully accomplish getting rid of something negative in a situation where you would have reacted differently. also punish yourself when u react like the person you dont want to be, that way you can reinforce yourself to act differently the next time. its all about discipline and its a process. you will need to be very patientI%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
If you dont like what you do, change it. Sit down and identify a behavior you really dont like in yourself and write it down. Then figure out a few more constructive things to do instead of what yo ae doing now. Write them down too. When a situation arises that elicits the unwanted behavior, replace it with a more constructive behavior off your list. For those times where you slip up, pay a dollar into a jar. Also, enlist the help of friends and colleagues to make you aware of unwanted behaviors. By the time you extinguish one behavior, see how much money is in the jar, maybe you can go to dinner or treat fiends who helped to pizza. Good Luck.I%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
People behave because their behavior has been reinforced. It is reinforced by the behavior leading to a reinforcer (like attention, a feeling, or something tangible) or escaping an aversive condition.



example

Escape as a reinforcer:

Timmy is crying (aversive condition) %26gt; Mom yells %26gt; Timmy is no longer crying. Result: Mom increases yelling behavior



Attention as a reinforcer:

Julie has no attention %26gt; Julie cries %26gt; Julie has attention. Result: Julie increases crying behavior



The way to change behavior is to differentially reinforce the behavior. In other words, find another way (a healthy way) to achieve that reinforcer. It may be hard to do this for yourself, but think about what you gain, your reinforcer, from your action. Are you looking for a reinforcer, or are you escaping an aversive condition.



Timmy is crying %26gt; Mom reads a book to him %26gt; Timmy is no longer crying



Julie has no attention %26gt; Julie tells a joke %26gt; Julie has attention



I'm not a psychologist, but if you want to ask me more specific questions, feel free to e-mail me.I%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
Consider budgeting for the therapist. A $100 a month is a good investment in your well being! You might be amazed at how much better you'll feel! Your whole life can be better.



Then you can learn about the %26quot;negative cognitions%26quot; that are part of what's making you so unhappy. %26quot;Feeling Good%26quot; by Dr. Burns is a GREAT book for helping yourself with this.



Also, give yourself time to listen to yourself.



The calm, rational side (which your question shows you have) needs to sit reassuringly and supportively beside the sad, hurt, worried side of yourself and let that side be heard for a little while. Calmly listen to the tantrum or rage or weeping that wants to be heard. Listen until it calms. Sometimes people call this parenting yourself. Once the pent-up emotions have their say an amazing thing happens: they go away! Or at least lessen their fury. Then they don't %26quot;leak%26quot; out at the slightest provocation. This process can be a little scary, but sometimes fear of the strong emotion is what's causing the anxiety. Facing the fear resolves it. Like OCD people who have to face the fear of germs through %26quot;exposure therapy%26quot;.



Best wishes!I%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
I think what you're describing(anger, blowing off easily, impatience) are just the effects, the results of...a root cause which you need to identify, accept and work on.



Impatience/anxiety to me suggests that you may have experienced some bad things (not turning up the way you had hoped for) or some let downs....and now you can't waiste too much time. Whatever it is you want, you want it NOW. But girl friend, it rarely works that way. It doesn't work that way for ANYONE!!!!!! We all need to reeeelax and just accept this simple reality. No matter how much we want it NOW, it will come when it's meant to.



We'd better learn how to enjoy the ride TOWARD what we want...otherwise, it;s just stress, stress, stress.



No matter how your father was, YOU are nothing like him. What if you didn't even know him...if you hadn't grown up seeing certain behaviour...It's learned behaviour but anything learned CAN be unlearned too. It's not set in stone. Anger is not..genetic:) Your father's life was his own -you live under entirely different circumstances. STOOOP thinking you WILL make the same mistakes. You won't..at least not b/c of your father! Don't despise him..don't judge your parents. Whatever they have done..forgive. This is liberating! You're the adult NOW!



Have you tried to pray and read some religious literature...this is usually leading to better understanding of oneself and more patience.I%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
try self-medicationI%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
Start by forgiving your parents, even if they are no longer around. You cannot help how your father was, and perhaps; your mother truly couldn't do anything about it because she didn't know how. Once you have honestly forgiven them, then you can start working on yourself. Sit down and take a good long look at yourself. Try to establish what sets off your anger and then make changes, a little at a time. I believe that we are all capable of changing, we just have to want to badly enough. Remember, baby steps...if you happen to fall just get back up, brush yourself off, and start again.I%26039;m 28, can I really truly change my personality? I hate my behavior and don%26039;t know how to start?
yes with the help of a therapist you could modify your behaviour, but you cannot change who you are